Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Are we there yet?…
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.