I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.