An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
Whenever I have a twitter break, I check my job.
“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…