Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125