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@blazed_ncis

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

@IamJackBoot

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

@sammynickalls

ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile

@MarcusTheToken

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

@ShaeAaron

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

@dreamthievin

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger