A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
#CatsOnTwitter
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
This fish is cracking me up
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Happy thanksgiving
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh