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*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”


The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”


ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile


Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.


At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.


Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends


If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.


If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger