went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
This is amazing.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids