My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.