Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.