Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.