They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
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How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…