Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.