Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
When they try to steal your moment.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Interior design 👌
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
That’s not how days work.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.