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@david8hughes

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

@IamEveryDayPpl

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

@Peachyisk

Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

@FlyJ_

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

@withanewname

[Jaws 5]

Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?

Spielberg: ACTION!!

@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw