Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you