No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
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I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Had to try this trend 😊
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
girls literally only want one thing..
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”