person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe