After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
my mom making me talk to relatives
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive