[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Am I having a stroke?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Oh the world we live in…
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
my retirement plan is braless
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
blocked.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.