My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint