First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?