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@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@MrSandeepP

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

@shashaintl

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

@ArfMeasures

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@DvuslyMarvelous

Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.

Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

@stephenjmolloy

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.