“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.
Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.
I’m straight but not “get my alibi” straight.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.