If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest