Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.