ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
You Might Also Like
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter