Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

A classic…

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex