@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

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@utofellatio

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick

@ArcaneAndAdrift

Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

@ellewasamistake

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

@House_Feminist

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig