Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen