Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?


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eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading


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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.


I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig