Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…