Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

moms in horror movies

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

LOL

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.