Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

consequences, the bane of my existence

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

This made me smile…

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

crying

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool