Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.