Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?