Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”