Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

nyc:

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.