Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

meanwhile over on facebook

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders