Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

cyclists

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”