Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

[eats all your cotton candy]

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.