Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
me when the borders lift
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.