Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*