Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.