@Book_Krazy

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

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@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@Staggfilms

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

@theSwellMan

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

@FilthyRichmond

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@junejuly12

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

@jake_likes_naps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

@Tmoney68

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

@truegritrumble

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.