Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@msdanifernandez

Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

@JermHimselfish

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

@dril

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@TheWoodenslurpy

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

@AVenezuelan19

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

@Bob_Janke

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*