Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Don’t we all.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Breaking news:
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.