Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Has there ever been a more American story?

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.