Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.