Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.