Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.