Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”