Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Breaking news:
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.