Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.