Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.