Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

This pepper has seen some shit

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.