Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct