Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.