Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Ugh

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

ㅤ

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver