@Marlebean

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

You Might Also Like

@shashaintl

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

@RideSallyRide69

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

@StoneAgeRadio13

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@lincnotfound

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

@SirJeremyLondon

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.