11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
H: So you like shabby chic?
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.