Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
thanksgiving should be called feaster
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”