Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.