Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

When your best mate counts as a desk too

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

The news in a nutshell.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???