Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died