Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.