Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Why font matters.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.