Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this