Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”