Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
This is my favorite one of these!
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.