Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.