Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Breaking news:

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

*pronounces fake like saké*