Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out