Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My flabber has been gasted.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one