Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
When they try to steal your moment.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Plant care tips
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.